wallow in the mire

The dimly lit patio
Eight chairs form
A deformed oval

Sitting silently
As stories are told
And shared among
Each one of them
Not relating to any

Little waves of
Grey smoke
Trickle up in four different spots
The comfort that it brings
Is incomparable
In moments like this

Stuck outside
The key out of possession
For at least another hour or two
Morning looming
Above the heads of
Ones without 9 to 5 jobs
Even if that is temporary

Another typical
Not weekend
After this passes
There is only one more to go

And perhaps,
That is not the only thing
that will change

Every time I have pulled up this screen 
My eyes quickly dart down 
at my hands, my fingers
mounted on the keyboard 
ready to race across all the letters
as fast as my mind can keep up 
but then, when I look back up the blinking cursor 
there is nothing worth typing 
my meaningful thoughts are long gone 
leaving an empty shell 
completely picked clean

The good news. 

I walk through the sliding glass doors, again. 
look in the eyes of the hateful ones.
nervously walk up to the door of his office 
sit down in the comfortable, ugly, tan chair 
embarrassed by the tears that are escaping 
the ducts where they belong.

I will fight for you. 
You are valuable. 
Please don’t leave. 
It is bekahland, after all. 

He says these things to me.
I try to stop crying, I feel so humiliated.
Didn’t see this coming.
but I know these tears are happy ones,
bittersweet ones.

Again, I peer around the land 
that I love. 
It has stolen my heart. 

One request. 

Please do not replace me.

As she looks back on today,
A slight grin slides across her lips
In spite of the gloomy burden
Of barely squeezing by
As she pays one bill after the other
And spending almost every last cent
The oncoming weeks
She can’t even think of at this time
Without stress building up inside
Her mind
The grin only exists
Because she knows
She’s handled much worse
And can take this on too.

If my life had background music
I would let it communicate for me
Words and phrases would become
Nonexistent

I would want it to play a song
For each of you
So you would know
You were on my mind

And I would no longer
Be able to hide behind
Eloquent and clever sentences
That mask what I truly feel inside

In turn, I would hope that
The song playing in your head
When you think of me
Was a beautiful chorus

One that you would never tire of
And one that would get stuck there
Inside your head
But you would be happy that it did.

She has climbed
These monstrous steps
Day after day
And year after year

With each season
The staircase grew
Adding one step or two

Until one day
She could no longer
See the doors and windows
That she loved to peek through

When that day came
She sat down on one step
About half the way up

A few times since
She moved up the staircase
A little further
Hoping the door
Would come back into view

It did not, sadly
What was once the halfway step
That she resided in
Became the bottom
Of the ever lengthening escalator

Her muscles faded
Over the stretch of time
It had been so long
Since she had progressed
Up toward the seemingly
Imaginary door

Then, one morning
She thought that
Perhaps if she took
Two steps up
Instead of just one
She could beat the pace
Of the ever growing staircase

Day by day
She began climbing the steps
Two at a time
Until her strength increased enough
To start skipping three

And finally she is looking down
Upon all the stairs
That she has overcome
And the tiny spots drizzled
On the concrete
From the sweat dripping off her face

She looks up
There are still more steps
Many more
But once again,
She can see that door
And when she comes to it
On that glorious day
She will not just peek
Inside

She will fling it wide open
In the most victorious fashion
And run inside
To a new residence
And laugh down at
The staircase that had once tried
To outgrow her

I suppose this time
My expectations are
Truly unreasonable

And I know that
I did vow
To stop expecting
Because it causes heartache
Perhaps I cannot help it
As much as I thought

There is a secret language
What is said is obvious
But what isn’t said,
Still hoped for

The hope that you will sweep me off of my feet
Surprise me
Without me telling you
Or perceiving one thing said
To mean the opposite

I think you know this
You take my actual words
For all they are
And nothing more

Maybe one day
You will finally realize
That I speak a secret language
Meaning beneath the words
That pour from my mouth

I remember the rule of “You will finish dinner, or have it every meal” 
the tiny white pasta resembled seashells, 
but was filled with a creamy yellow paste 
simply the thought made me gag.
breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I remember the sand tickling my cherry tinted skin
before I danced into the foamy, cold water 
that so violently grabbed my ankles 
and attempted to permanently kidnap me 
before my lifeless silhouette was 
stretched out against the unfamiliar bronze arms.

I remember your words flashing across the screen 
the words used as weapons to stab the weakest crevasses in my heart.
if that was not enough, your threats followed.
I thought they were empty.
not toward me, but to yourself. 
and then there was nothing more.

I remember pushing my black pencil skirt down towards my knees 
and clicking my heels 
as my eyes dart  all around the crowded airport 
eagerly awaiting to see what you turned out to be 
but you, sadly, had not changed in the slightest.

I remember how different it felt when I walked through the door 
that I had pushed open thousands of times 
and how the color in my face quickly faded as you told me 
i was no longer wanted and to hand over the keys.
The embarrassing walk back to the door 
that I would push open for the last time

I remember the excitement I had 
for a second opportunity 
to fight for you and get you back.
But suddenly, the door flew open 
and I saw books flying across the room
I watched numbly as your fingers tightened around the necklace
that you so abrasively snatched out of my arms.

I remember when you told me that I was a child
and forced me to sit at the designated table for such.
The anger showed shades of red on my face.
Until I realized that you forgot I had keys to my own apartment,
To my own truck, and worked for it all.
With no help from you.
But I was still a child.

I remember listening to The Beach Boys
Crammed in the middle seat
On the road to an exciting adventure
And you knocking on the door to our room
With a single California rose in your hands
A perfect moment.

I remember the fear I had when I was forced to ask for your help
To tell you that I had failed and only one option left.
You response was to tell me how unfair a proposition
How much of a burden I turned out to be
And that you should not have to suffer the consequences
Of my wrong decisions
But you didn’t have a choice
So you made the sacrifice.

I remember sitting in the odd colored truck.
Crying so hard that little whimpers escaped
The collar of my shirt, drenched
From the floods falling from my eyes
I almost gave up

I remember quivering as I opened the door
And sat inside your truck for what I thought was the last time
Trying to push words out of my mouth
Words attempting to hide under the heavy breaths
I watched little teardrops slide down your cheek
Suddenly, rushes of panic came over me
How could a person be so horrible?

I remember giggling as I poured the last drop of wine into my glass.
She left for a moment
Utter shock took over my mind
As you muttered the words
“I couldn’t describe my dream girl,
Because I would just be describing you.”
My glass hits the ground
And somehow doesn’t shatter.

I remember waking up a day or two ago.
And not feeling scared to face the morning Sun
For the first time in so long.
But anthems of long ago, blasting in my car
Same truths different circumstances.

One problem leads
To another
and the cycle goes on

But however the words fall
Within meaning or not
They stuck a crater in my heart
And I cannot accept it.

I suppose this is why
I am slow to trust
Even slower to talk
And most of all
Slower to accept

I’m used to one thing
But am treated different

Maybe the sensitivity is higher
Than before
But either way
You told me you would
Watch out for me
But you acted the same
As the rest

It doesn’t even hurt anymore
Because my nerves have vanished
All that has grown is my brain
Telling me when it’s not okay
And my heart had shrunk
Not letting anything in.

All emotions escaped
The fortress of my skin
And the casing of my mind
Today, I felt nothing.
Absolutely nothing.

I walked through this long day
With a blank expression
Not a smile
Or a frown
I did not skip
I did not run.

I don’t remember what I said
To you or you or you.
Because I did not listen
To the words to trickled from my lips
Into thin air

And I did not worry
When the place was empty
No excitement to speak with you
And no reaction
To your compliments.

Because today I was
Simply
A roaming skeleton

when i awoke today, 
i missed you.
actually, not you. 
the old you.
and only for a second 
or two.

then i saw you
moments later 
our eyes no longer meet 
smiles no longer form 
and i remember 
how awful you turned out to be

what a waste 
of such a beautiful face 
too bad 
your heart doesn’t match

Although lately my emotions 
have been on a wild roller coaster ride 
never ceasing
and what I am about to say may be 
part of that ride
tricking my mind, once again 
I risk saying so anyway

The last three days 
I have woken up with a peace 
of mind and of heart 
I do not feel stressed
or worried or fearful 

because i think 
i am at the start of something wonderful 
and grander than i could have possibly imagined 
to be here so early on in my life 

and i think that i am about 
to challenge myself once again 
after a long winded break
push me to my potential 
and more

and there is a peace within 
goals written before me 
that i read and recite everyday 
and smile as i think to the day 
that they will be reached 
because i can do it. 

excitement is building. 
for now. 
& for the future.

Her gaze drifts
Up toward the wall
With all the hanging sentiments
And reads
“Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction. Break the habit. Talk about your JOYS.”

Shame floods her veins
How silly this is
A party of one
Dwelling in misery
For no reason at all

Focus on joy
What brought her joy today
She ponders quietly
As her eyes bounce around the room
Before softly closing
And a half smile appears
On her mascara stained face

Life. She has one.
Her breaths continue
Without much effort
Love. They care.
She reminds herself
Of all the people in her life
That whisper words of love
Through their acts of kindness
And loyalty
Work. The ability to strive
To set goals that are well within reach
And appreciation that is
Constantly expressed in some way

And finally, faith.
In something greater than what she could ever fathom
Or truly understand
But knows it is what is saving her
And keeping her from
Being in an everlasting state
Of hopeless misery.

After a night 
that seemed to be one of the worst 
i am shouting from the rooftops 
“I AM BROKEN!” 
i can not handle one single thing more

waking up this morning 
was such a struggle
i love sleeping because i can escape the world
live where everything feels real, 
but isn’t. 
I didn’t want to face this day. 

as if shooting down my goal 
wasn’t enough
call me selfish while you’re at it

i told you this was temporary
i’ve told you everything

and then the most embarrassing message
on display for all to see
my stomach has never sank so low
then the conversation I’ve been dreading
over text messaging, no less.
but it had to be said.
no matter how hard it was or
how much it hurt me. 

i look across the table 
and get the third degree 
and insulted over and over
I get you are tired
but so am I. 

Now, I will go crawl into my little Bekah hole
and no one is welcome
i have no more to give 
so just let me be 
otherwise, i’m sorry 
but it won’t be pretty.